Words by Community member Slika P @prayingfortheWIN
2022. What a year it’s been for sneaker releases, especially the last few months. Drop after drop, grail after grail, Loss after Loss.
Sound familiar? Yessir, whilst most folks are winding down, and planning their journeys home for Christmas, the only journey us sneakerheads are taking is to ‘Loserville’. No Polar Express for us, it’s just the L Train. WIN-ter Wonderland? We can only dream.
So, what’s it about the L that effects our behaviour so dramatically? Like a (Black) Phantom the L haunts us. Most sneakerheads can’t even bring themselves to say the words the letter L represents. It’s almost like ‘He who must not be named’ from man like Harry Potter. Maybe it’s a deep-rooted thing?
To fully understand the sneakerhead’s relationship with the L, I went way back, ‘when I had the red and black lumberjack’ (with a hat to match). Back to a childhood, full of hopes and dreams, and when the letter L simply stood for Lemonade, Lollies, Lego, Lion-O and Laaandon, to name but a few.
A few years on I had an epiphany of sorts. One time I walked into the ‘Whitgift Centre’ (big up Croydon), and all around me were these dope sneakers on foot – people be flexin’ Jordans, Pumps, Torsions, Maxes, Huaraches, British Knights, Avias and Filas. Why had I not noticed them before? Spellbound, I broke my gaze and looked down at my own feet, busting out my Dad’s mash-up, hand-me-down pair of HiTec Squash. Ouch. Caught the 109 straight home, grabbed my Mum’s encyclopaedia sized catalogue, and ordered myself (or should I say Mum did) a pair of ‘Nike Air Trainer SCs’. For me the L now symbolised the ‘Littlewoods Catalogue’.
The game changed. I became a ‘playa’, well at least I did in my head. I thought I was well ‘street’. My mates however thought I was more ‘Sesame Street’.
I digress. Little did I know back then, that when I brought those sneakers, I’d also brought myself a one-way ticket onboard the L Train. The journey to Loserville began that day.
So here we are. I often think back, what if I stayed in those HiTec beaters? One thing’s for sure, I’d certainly be a lot better off. Can’t afford the energy bills but at least I got heat on my feet. Priorities innit. My collection ain’t half bad. Got a couple of grails in there. I got a prickly W a few months back – a shoe that I had promised my Fam I’d retire from the sneaker game if I Got Em. It was ‘THE’ opportunity to get off L Train for good, yet here I still sit chugging along. Choo Choo!
Needing more answers, I went knocking on one of the many doors of the highly reputed, Offspring University, London. Needless to say, I picked the wrong door. Obviously.
I was lucky enough to meet Professor G, who has specialised in sneakerology and community behaviors, for the past 85 years. He broke it down to me like this. According to the Prof, the sneakerhead community goes through 6 stages of emotional and behavioral patterns, when onboard the L Train.
STAGE 1: THE KNOCKING
The doors come knocking and it begins. Leaving the sneakerhead in a heightened state, every little detail analysed. Which door does the grail sit behind? What do the numbers mean? Maybe it’s the colour of the door? The cactus is too obvious right?
Apparently sneakerheads be thinking “the grail is never behind the doors on the right, only the left.” Not true BTW. Finally, you pick the door and pray.
STAGE 2: THE WAITING GAME
Tick tock. Minutes, hours, days pass by and nothing. You check your phone every 60 seconds. Still no notifications, no DMS, no emails. Many of the community have apparently “been waiting for these for years”, so a little more waiting shouldn’t do any more harm.
STAGE 3: THE HADOUKEN
The waiting is over. Bam, Pow, Sonic Boom, Uppercut, Hadouken! Blow after blow, L after L. Those notifications come through thick and fast, from the 48 raffles you entered. Having taken a pounding from the combo of Ls, one final Hadouken floors you. Game over. You Lose.
STAGE 4: THE HULK
Green with envy and rippin’ with rage, the Ls are hard to take. Out come the backdoor conspiracies, the blamin’ on BOTs, them damn resellers! Grrrrr.
STAGE 5: THE WATERWORKS
The rage disappears leaving you a little raw. You might experience a slight leakage from the eyes but hey, it’s okay to be in touch with your emotions. Let it out. If the ‘GOAT’ can show vulnerability, so can you. There will always be another grail, which leads nicely to the final stage.
STAGE 6: THE GOLDFISH
It is scientifically proven that a goldfish has a 3 second memory. They are forgetful, struggle to focus and easily distracted. How does this relate to sneakerheads I asked the Prof? He simply shared the following DMs straight ‘Outta the Community’.
“I never win” (having won the last 5 raffles).
“Not really a fan of Jordan 1 Lows” (last month). “Oh man, love the Jordan 1 Lows” (Travis this month).
“These are the most important shoes of the year” (last week). “Now these are the most important shoe of the year” (same person this week).
“These are my grails” (everyone, every week).
So in summary, what I’ve concluded from Professor G’s research is that when it comes to the L Train, us sneakerheads are like Goldfish 🐠😟🤦🏾♂️
Before leaving Offspring University by one of its elusive backdoors, I was granted exclusive access to meet Supreme Psychologist Dr. Takk. Specialising in sneakerhead psychology, Dr. Takk uses the ‘Rorschach Test’ in which sneakerheads’ perceptions of inkblots are recorded and analysed. Whilst most ordinary folk describe seeing a butterfly or possibly a bat, 98.5% of sneakerheads all see the same one thing. Take a guess.
So there it is peeps. Looks like I’m still on the L Train for ’23, the year of MJ. Maybe if the train stops at the Reimagined J3 Station, I’ll finally jump off. Or maybe the Travis Olive Station. Or even the Travis J7 Station. Or the OW J4 Bred Station. Or the….. Choo Choo!
